A Story of Survival in the Making

Like any psychiatric nurse, trained to listen with a keen eye during the assessment process, I was often the first keeper of privileged information that a patient met years ago, on admission to an inpatient unit. Unlike in the therapist’s office, where the counselor and receptionist may be the sole keepers, my initial evaluation was often considered by the clinicians I worked with to be simply a reliable place to start. Yet it was only a start and could just as easily be discounted for a variety of reasons. Same as this review.  It all depends on who is reading it.

In the psychiatric hospital, more so than in many outpatient units, the checks and balances that are built into the system, from each discipline over a period of days of close observation, may or may not offer a more accurate picture of what’s going on.

Many clinicians believe, as I do, that the best nursing assessments are done in neither a hospital or a counselor’s office, but in the patient’s own home environment, where I also worked exclusively for several years.

 Unconventional Assessments

Never in my wildest imagination would I have considered, in 1995, that I would be combining all of these opinions in a unique effort to facilitate change in individuals turning to me—not in the privacy of their own homes, but thru my inbox.  It is in this venue, admittedly filled with limitations, that I have often been called upon to read between the lines in much the same way I did when taking crisis calls. Still attempting to use best practices, looking for themes, trends, common elements in a story that may raise red flags, taking note of the exceptions in the caller’s approach to the problem, I sometimes take risks, knowing there are no absolutes except the proverbial “death and taxes.” Above all, I risk losing the trust of my readers who have turned to me, asking for a response to something they have written, in turn, to my previously-published comments.

It is that very approach I’ve described in my latest book, which has allowed me to gain access to thousands of stories over more than two decades. Reading between the lines, daring to ask some very personal questions at times as trust is built, never knowing if the inquirer is going to continue coming back, same as any therapist wonders--I’ve done, not for financial gain (Lord knows!), but as a volunteer nurse-writer, now regarded by some journalists as “an expert.” I have used this unique background to approach one of the most serious community mental health problems ever to plague the “community of faith,” which I now refer to often as the “community of fear.” Immensely bold in my old age:  having grown up in a parsonage, the same as Kristal Chalmers, author of Broken and Beautiful, and having married into the profession fifty years ago, I figure I’m at least as good at “reading” minds, as those who have made successful careers by claiming to be experts in rehabilitating, then returning sexual offenders to positions of great power, as “forgiven men of God.”

However, the process of “restoration” of perpetrators has never been an area that interests me except as it relates to the universal concept of collusion. I’m far more interested in studying the wide range of survivor stories, filled with exceptions far more interesting than the common elements cited by some experts as “the norm” in stories. As I see it, there are few norms in survivor stories—though a lot of norms with offenders and systems that collude. I like exceptions. Same as do most social scientists.

The Exceptions Please

The scientific method teaches us to look for the exceptions as much as the usual prognosis of a patient who is suffering from any mental health disorder. Or, in the case of individuals who suffer from the mental health problems of others and happen to get caught in the crossfire in an institution that possesses as much drama as Hollywood does, now caught in its own scandals of sexual misconduct, finally being exposed.

What excited me about Kristal’s story most was the Grace she experienced because she happened to be best friends with a Mennonite. I have also been blessed by women of this wonderful sub-culture. In fact, one of the first to contact me in 1993, after publication of my ground-breaking book How Little We Knew: Collusion and Confusion with Sexual Misconduct, was a woman from the Mennonite Central Committee. Back then, everything came by snail mail, of course. So, the world seemed so much larger and more formidable than today. What a breath of fresh air it was to discover these women, like COSROW, the organization of United Methodists, and Dr. Marie Fortune, United Church of Christ’s forerunner on the topic of sexual violence in the faith community, whom I had discovered less than two years earlier. All of these folks already knew how to speak my language, which was no longer the language of conservative Christianity that I’d grown up speaking fluently.

Sadly, however, not one woman who had been rooted in lifelong fundamentalism could I find able to make a trail between where I stood, reaching across the divide to an intellectual approach. Such a woman would have been a companion, as we journeyed together to the higher grounds I was seeking, crossing what had become for me a new Jordan. What a formidable moment that was as I stood on that precipice, wondering who, if anyone, would ever join me from the more conservative theological circles! 

Now, under the tutelage of these Mennonite friends, I suspect that Kristal has been learning more words than she’s begun to use from this bold new language of increased liberation. Even though she’s not writing in it yet, my hunch is she may soon be.

The greatest exception in her story, again thanks to a Mennonite woman, forces us to look more closely than ever at the differences in confidentiality and secrecy. Technically, her friend “broke confidentiality” by turning to Kristal’s parents after being sworn to secrecy, illustrating that there are times when doing so works for good. Yet this was not something a professional therapist could ethically do, and it’s not something many true friends would consider. That’s the difference. What Kristal’s friend teaches us is that there is a higher law, a path that friends may sometimes consider, even if it risks compromising the friendship. The Law of Love, always concerned about the greater good, may lead us into ethical dilemmas. In this case, “breaking confidentiality” not only preserved the friendship, it may have saved the life of Kristal Clambers. All the more reason why church folks should be well-informed!

The fact that Kristal has taken her own risk now to publicly share her deeply personal story makes her, in turn, a rare exception if virtually every other element of her story was like 95% of others where pastoral sexual abuse has occurred. In fact, it is not, though I understand why she still believes it is, same as far too many simplistic thinkers, despite academic backgrounds, even highly-scholastic ones in this relatively-new field.

To see this story as “the typical” pastoral abuse is to stereo-type, though I am certain that is not Krystal’s intention. Abuse as it occurs in evangelical circles often does not have the exact set of dynamics as it does in mainline circles. Generally, from my perspective, having perhaps heard more stories from highly-conservative circles than anyone in the world, the wounds are even more difficult to overcome, a fact that many therapists and lawyers alike seem to have learned the hard way. The Scriptural abuse is profound beyond words to the point of being a brutal weapon of spiritual assault in circles where quoting enormous amounts of Scripture verbatum is commonplace, far beyond in mainline circles.

 Sadly, few within the system recognize that the very intensity of collusion, as a whole, seems to be much, much greater and the “prescribed medicine,” which is a return to the theological soil that has perpetuated the abuse, is almost always disabling, if not fatal, same as with Catholics.

I know it’s not been the intention of many identified experts to disenfranchise large groups of survivors, though this has been the result of those narrowly-focused on the more traditional form of abuse of adults in the church (both Protestant and Catholic) rather than casting a wide blanket to include the stark reality that I have noted with increasing intensity for thirty plus years—the emerging of adolescent victims that is rampant in the current #Churchtoo movement.

As if the adolescents were either adults or were in the extreme minority, as they seem to be in mainline circles, the world is now recognizing reactions to revelations from adult women of their abuse as older teens as bizarre. This reality the conservative evangelical population has wanted to minimize, which was seen most prominently with the Roy Moore case, where the culture “stood by their man” and yet was finally defeated. Coming closer to home was a Tennessee case that made The New York Times, not surprising me one bit, when an entire congregation gave a standing ovation to a man who “confessed” yet again that he’d assaulted an adolescent congregant. The incident was old, after all. Happened decades ago in a Texas Baptist congregation, where people “mercifully” looked the other way!  Why not again? 

In fact, these illustrations serve as examples again of the dynamics that are closer to what we have seen in the Roman Catholic Church, where leaving the Church to go to another more liberal denomination is considered an act of unpardonable heresy, same as it is to many fundamentalist Christians. Often with the cost being further marginalization by family and long-term friends.

Also disenfranchised in the stereo-typing definition of “pastoral abuse” are the clergywomen in mainline congregations who often stay and work for the benefit of other survivors for years, never revealing that they’ve endured the agony of sexual harassment and not reported it. Despite the power imbalance, we must ask ourselves about the many in these stories, where women do not succumb to a perpetrator’s antics. We must do this, even if it creates a backlash. For to do otherwise, is to avoid transparency and to make a mockery of the women’s movement that has worked hard to show that it is possible, with the right training, for women to stand up to abuse in many cases.

How are we to fully understand the process that ends in what the world sees as “totally consensual” and virtually inevitable for victims when there are many stories that have not been studied for the benefit of understanding what is different for the women who do not succumb, despite vulnerability? Not that we are blaming those who do any more—don’t get me wrong.

It’s About More than an Education

And it’s not as simple as the women understanding that these things happen, as Mrs. Chalmers and her mother seem to recognize as a good prevention strategy.

I belabor this point out of a sense of obligation, knowing the danger of this over-simplification, as great as the one now disproved, which tells us if we teach pastors why this form of power abuse exists, we will prevent future acts of abuse. Not that we should avoid any of this teaching.

Yet, I have proof that rings crystal clear in one of the most educated of women I’ve ever known. This one, a scholar, once recognized as an expert in the field of abuse, who got caught in the trap of traditional pastoral sexual misconduct, victimized by a mentor. Fortunately, the abuser held credentials in one of the more progressive mainline denominations and paid a high price for this malpractice.

“How could I, of all people?” she later asked years ago, with deep humiliation in her voice, when turning to me in confidence. 

And the stories victims bring of male pastors who had even been voices of advocacy—these accounts, like that of former Senator Al Franken, I’ve lost count of!

Answering the how requires deep soul-searching and goes far beyond simply talking about the abuse of power, I have long believed. Yes, abuse of power is an important element. Yet, it is not a complete explanation unless we understand that there’s more than the power of an office involved. Not the least is the insistence that the female is the one who holds the power to nurture and the one who has inherited “Eve’s powers” to sexualize any relationship.

The grooming myth is perpetuated in this book as an “always,” as well, when I also know this is not the case with traditional sexual harassment, when perpetrated by a boss who blatantly assaults and insults the victim.  Pastoral abuse, when grooming is involved, starts out with milder forms of sexual harassment that the victim simply does not recognize as such.

Yet grooming is not universal. Neither is the response of the victim universal. Noting this is NOT to blame any victim, though I’m quite certain some will accuse me of doing so because I point this out. 

Special Challenges in Theologically-Conservative Circles

The victim in conservative, evangelical circles has experienced grooming first and foremost from her own sub-culture—with dynamics far exceeding the larger culture’s “simple” misogyny. The perpetrator only needs come along to finish the job! The status of women and children, so frequently “adored” and abused simultaneously in these circles, insists on adhering to the strict gender assignments that have been as traditional in this sub-culture of religion, with the same insistence of holding up the Bible to support the “rules” for handling abuse as it does to support extreme racism still in large pockets of the Deep South, where conservative religion is so heavily embedded that racism has been in the very fabric of the tapestry—all of this in the name of Jesus then bleeds over into the larger culture, not the other way!  Maleness is closer to Godliness than femaleness is when it exhibits itself boldly and assertively to confront the oppression of the patriarchs. To confront the Patriarchs, is actually considered a character issue, close to a venial sin, if conservatives had such nomenclature.

 These beliefs, deemed to be theologically sanctioned in many conservative circles, was best illustrated by a recent report I had from a mission boarding school student who was punished far more severely than the boy she held hands with in high school. Punished to the point of not being inducted along with her friends into The National Honor Society only nine years ago because of this “character issue” of hers.

Few of us who grew up in conservative sub-cultures had it this rough, but how many ever saw an example of a woman standing up to her husband when he was abusive, calling it abuse?  How many even recognize abuse when they see it in a marriage?  And how many sermons have been preached against sexual and domestic abuse in these circles in the last century, with the rare exception of an occasional one promoting sobriety? Or saw their fathers stand up, as Kristal’s did to the point of losing his position as pastor—all for the sake of justice? We have a LONG way to go.

Had it not been for a devout professor, Dr. Justin Timberlake, determined to plant seeds that could spring up and destroy the weeds of fundamentalism in our college days, even risking his own career to set the example, it’s hard to say where my husband Ron and I would have landed. Certainly not as the warriors that we have become, seeing that the weight that so easily besets so much of the world is patriarchy and right-winged oppression. And that to come apart and to be separate in the faith community, individuating, is sometimes essential to following Christ. Or to what Watchman Nee calls “the normal Christian life.”  This is about as Mennonite as any of the beliefs they hold dear.

Keys to Transformation

Only when liberals and conservatives alike dare to extensively mine the wide variety of atypical stories, discovering the exceptions, will we find the keys that will allow for a transformation of culture, of theological constructs, and a new understanding of the Gospel that will honor the life of Jesus by example as much, if not more so, than the shedding of blood that occurred with the violent act of crucifixion, so common for individuals who did not “go with the flow” in that day.  It is this Jesus that Kristal and her children will do well to honor and to study rather than the “patriarchal Jesus” who has existed only as a figment of the imagination in those who want to make Jesus into their own image. The result for this family, if they dare to take the challenge, will be an on-going transformation extending far past anywhere they’ve yet been. For this journey, for all of us, is all about rising above the Old, dying to become New. Same as any religion teaches—at least in principle.

A cautionary word is in order, however. Every survivor must count the cost of being branded as a heretic by friends and loved ones closest to her, if she chooses to openly ask intellectual questions that challenge the conventional wisdom of conservative theology. 

Whatever path she chooses, I dare say that this beautiful, broken vessel pictured on the front cover of this book, an image meant to represent Kristal Chalmers, has indeed been glued with a precious gold. Yet, despite its strength, this vessel will need to be broken several more times as the Chalmers family digs deeper, finding ways to challenge a sub-culture that groomed this daughter from birth far more than any man later did solely on his own.

That process is what I understand transformation to be. It’s what I believe also is going to be absolutely necessary if the evangelical church is going to survive itself. In the absence of such a process, this sub-culture will hold to what ancient, arrogant patriarchs may have understood about the Gospel, to the point of even selecting passages to call “the Word of God” without seeking input of the “little ones” who were most vulnerable. This bold suggestion likely goes far outside the comfort zone of the increasing number of young men who are stepping up to the plate in the #churchtoo movement, prophets who declare that the abuse issue alone is enough to eradicate the evangelical church unless it faces the truth.

To which I shout, “Hallelujah! Let the transformation begin!”

A Stunning Example

Kristal and her mother, a professional counselor, have done well to articulate feelings and describe events that took place over a relatively short time, compared to most survivor stories.  They have shown the deep losses that are almost universally common in terms of relationships, once allegations surface, and have described elements of patriarchy and misogyny without ever using those two forbidden terms—forbidden that is in the conservative, evangelical community where their roots run deep, the same as mine did in childhood.

They have gone further to show how even Kristal’s own father was controlled and manipulated by denominational leaders, to the point of taking his grown daughter’s car keys away, as though she were legally incompetent. This being an act that is a violation of an adult’s rights. This, not unlike the faulty thinking that has both avoided the fact that the abuse of minors, the blatant assault of women and children of all ages, and sexual harassment in the church (all clearly illegal acts of abuse), have been ignored and gone unreported to police in Protestant churches, perhaps as much as in Catholic. These facts, ignored, minimized, and even suppressed by “the experts” who want us to focus instead far more on adult women, where boundaries have been crossed, does not help the cause of any of the victims. Yet patriarchy, in liberal and conservative circles alike, has a way of owning all of its underlings, thereby obscuring the truth, then accusing women of being “controlling,” so why should we be surprised?

 For survivors who have experienced what is commonly known as “clergy sexual misconduct” and commonly described by ill-informed folks as “an affair,” this story holds the potential to be a balm in Gilead if we dare to question some of these treasured premises.

There are multitudes of survivors in feminist circles who may find this story very disturbing because it has not been their experience at all. Contrary to what well-meaning people in the faith community still want us to believe, critics of the #metoo movement are often suggesting that those who write in absolutes are doing us an extreme disservice. I agree.

One cannot blame Kristal Chalmers for believing what well-meaning experts, who often write in absolutes, hold to be true. After all, there’s no reason to doubt the experts, is there? That depends. My inbox is full of stories that challenge us to take a second look and to study the exceptions. To pull away from what is sometimes referred to as “adolescent thinking.” That is, the “always” and “never” that do not leave much room for the “sometimes.”

How and why have women who have not been sucked into the need-to-be-needed role managed to stay on in jobs where harassment by “men of God” can be as rampant as what we now find in the attitudes of President Donald Trump? They stay not because the hostile environment is exceptional or because they like what they must put up with, but because it may be their only viable option for making a living or for serving the church they love.

Being a Victim is Not a Test of Character

What Kristal Chalmers experienced was not a consensual relationship. Nor was it inevitable, though a very common story. This does not equate to her having a character issue, however. Hers was an issue of vulnerability. To uncover the reasons for that vulnerability besides being female is one of the primary tasks she has had to undergo. And if she’s anything like most women in this situation, it’s likely to take another ten years before she finds total resolution with this experience.

My observations of thousands of stories—Catholic, mainline Christian, conservative Christian, and a few Unitarians and Islamic stories, has led me to conclude that twenty years is not a far-fetched time-table for the most conservative of faith groups. They recover far more slowly than most of the mainline survivors I’ve encountered.

Why? Because there are so many more layers of the onion to peel!

The Spiritual Healing Yet to Come

For those who have left behind the conservative theological constructs, perhaps after years of soul-searching, and have managed to find a spirituality far beyond the understanding that conservative theologians feel comfortable thinking of as healthy, then there is indeed hope.

Leaving the church may not be a sign that one feels abandoned by God at all. In many cases, women on the church staff choose to leave, whether ordained or not, as an act of turning tables in the closed-system of the Temple. These departures are not a sign of spiritual sickness, but a sign of health. Often an act of self-preservation that shows an autonomy greater than the patriarchal system can tolerate. Truthfully, some of the healthiest women (and men) I have known do not carry the baggage that goes with the territory of having been “born in the church.” It is not that they lack faith. They simply have little faith in the human beings who might profit more from intensive therapy for a variety of addictions rather than “staying faithful” week after week to sanctuaries of great oppression where their souls cannot thrive.

The greatest hope in this story may well be in the daughters of Kristal Chalmers, since their mother already recognizes this “women’s work” to be inter-generational. As they are willing to be transformed by the renewing of their minds, it is very likely one of them will be writing the next installment of this story—not as a victim of abuse, but as one who has learned from it and dared to go to a far different place than anyone they’ve ever known has dared to go.  

Warning:  If the children of Kristal choose to move beyond the Synthetic-Conventional stage of spiritual development, as described in James Fowler’s Levels of Faith: “They are likely to become disillusioned with their former faith.” Which could lead to another crisis in the Chalmer’s family. For, ironically, “the Stage 3 people” (the Synthetic-Conventional, which are often of an older generation that has not moved beyond this stage) “usually think that Stage 4 people” (the Individuation-Reflective) “have become ‘backsliders’ when in reality they have actually moved forward.

My husband, Ron, who completed seminary in 1972, revealed something to me only this morning, as the two of us discussed Fowler’s six stages. He had actually asked for this, pressing his female professor of religious education before graduation, certain there must be something of this nature to align with Erikson’s stages that the lady was stressing. When she could not produce anything, he went to the seminary library, certain the designated stages of spiritual development must be out there somewhere.

In fact, the professor was correct. It would be nine years before Fowler’s groundbreaking conclusions were published—serving as a prime example of the kind of searching Kristal Chalmers must take on, insisting on answers that perhaps are not even out there. Or those that have not been on the approved reading lists of her religious leaders. By comparing the stages of spiritual development with those of Erikson’s, she will soon be able to recognize whether she and each of her children lie in the emerging stage of Level 4. Or which may be possibly moved further along, as normal, healthy teenagers often do.

The deepest level of healing can happen in a lifetime. I’ve seen it occasionally occur in abuse victims even in less than ten years. For the average, there seems to be a lot of time (sometimes a lifetime) of staying stuck, locked either in rage or in extremely conservative theological constructs where the soil tightly holds the roots, refusing to let the struggling plant go without much resistance from those desperately needing the plant to not “wander from the fold,” which is the greatest fear held by the entire system, so stuck in Stage 3 that it brands “wandering” as a stage of backsliding.

Seeking Healthy Soil

If either Kristal or her offspring succeed in finding entirely new soil, their moving on will not be in simply locating another equally-rigid, theologically-conservative congregation, however.  For those who look elsewhere and succeed in finding a new-found place of spiritual freedom, the separation to those who may be left behind, still in Stage 3. can feel like a death. As if the survivor has moved to an entirely different planet.

This stage of breaking free is what Olga Allen, a Dutch poet, has described as the “bridge too far” experience.  There are hints that Kristal Chalmers has crossed a bridge, but it is impossible for us to know in this brief account how far that bridge is or how many more bridges must be crossed before she can no longer be pulled back into the contaminated, deeply gender-oppressive soil that unintentionally led her to this place where she easily slipped into the clutches of her abuser.

As she gives herself permission to wander further, Kristal and her family may want to further explore Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development for an even wilder ride. 

Since she’s turned to Mennonites for guidance, one would hope she will be seeking the widest counsel possible from Mennonites emerging from the Old School. These highly-egalitarian, liberated Mennonites, growing by leaps and bounds today, will take her far because they refuse to be put into any standard boxes. Not only resisting long-standing, mainstream thinking, they also reject conservative theology that many deem extremely confining and abusive, even more than traditional Protestantism.

What is clear, though unspoken, is that the primary abuser she identifies only as “that man” is far from her only abuser. The system itself is a collective abuser that has groomed generations of followers.  Far worse, so void of boundaries, and so abusive that it could even dare come after her to strip her of rights that were NEVER within their jurisdiction to claim (even to the seizing of her car keys, mind you!) Ironically, this is behavior one would expect only in an Islamic regime like Saudi Arabia!!!  Yet I’m not sure Kristal, her parents, or half her readers have recognized this irony.

 If either Kristal or her offspring manage to reach Stage 4 in Fowler’s levels, it’s very possible they’ll discover “the theology of protest” that I first encountered with joy more than fifteen years ago thru Susan Brooks-Thistlethwaite, speaking on NPR. At this stage, one can easily wander on a glorious adventure, exploring further the writings of progressive thinkers like David Blumenthal and Rita Nakashima Brock. Venturing further, it’s possible that the Chalmers children, if not their parents, may venture into the forbidden territory of former fundamentalist Marlene Winell, author of Leaving the Fold, before arriving at a place of resolution.

Whether or not they find that last step necessary, a new book eventually will be in order, one giving us the on-going story of the Chalmers family. This one, and possibly others yet to follow, will be challenging reads that will most certainly include many more texts on their future recommended reading lists.

The Possibilities Are Endless

In the meantime, as the torch is passed to others who may see this story not only as a case study, but a story easily mined for the diamonds still hiding in the soil, we can all take courage. Recognizing that new, healthy creations emerge only when seeds are placed in newly-fertilized, well-tended soil, we just might see some stronger hybrids --if only we dare wait patiently.

Meanwhile, women like Kristal Chalmers may lead the next generation, emerging with an understanding that they are both capable and intended to stand at the helm of their own ships, not pulled continuously by human “anchors” or man-made religions that cherry-pick “truths,” thereby finding themselves washed up on sandbars over which they have no control. In so doing, they will become new creations beyond anything fundamentalism ever intended for them to be.

These women of a Kingdom-yet-to-come are those who will have faced reality, following the example of Jesus Christ. In so doing, they can move forward as Queen Esther did, not only healed but transformed yet again, living and leading triumphantly, perhaps without realizing that they have come “for such an hour as this.”