Finding the Root of Collusion with Abuse



It all adds up to collusion: Whether we're talking about child abuse, sexual harassment, or spousal abuse, no matter if it occurs in the workplace, at school, or at a house of worship, the greatest confusion lies in how to assign blame. Some don't want to blame anybody. They speak as if there is a high road to take, especially if the victim is an adult.

Juries find ways to blame females of all ages for a host of problems. So do church councils, congregants, teachers. For starters, she's blamed for not saying anything sooner. For being seductive. For not screaming or fighting back sufficiently. Not watching her child closely enough (even when that's not the case). Continuing to maintain some kind of relationship with the perpetrator. Or, most commonly, for lying, exaggerating, or being wrong about a tiny, insignificant detail that may get the whole case thrown out.

I'm more intrigued with what makes a victim stand up and continue speaking out, despite the blame--far more than I am with factors that feed paralysis and fear.  Likewise, I want to know what prompts a man to be an exception, daring to challenge the patriarchal system that threatens to ostracize exceptional men. I love studying courage and resiliency.

Yet, it's collusion that keeps me coming back to the fire on a daily basis. This, that's been my life's work since I turned forty, back in 1986. As a mental health nurse, I've always been convinced that the key to prevention and early intervention with abuse will come when we dig deep, to discover what's buried in "good people" in every culture--something that scholars may have missed as a common cause of collusion.

Twenty years ago, I pointed my readers to the strong parallels between common dynamics of families with addiction and the dynamics of congregations in crisis from abuse. Collusion, being the average norm in both cases, though not the healthy norm. A related article served as Chapter 5 of When Pastors Prey: Overcoming Clergy Sexual Abuse of Women, a collection of ecumenical writings, primarily centered on collusion, published by the World Council of Churches in 2013, and graced by a foreword by Jimmy Carter.

Only in the last few months, while putting the finishing touches on Enlarging Boston's Spotlight, did  I begin wondering how strong a connection there may be between unresolved Adverse Childhood Experiences , commonly referred to as ACES, and the tendency of individuals to collude with sexual and domestic violence and abuse.

Until I find research to the contrary, I believe it's safe to suggest that ACES, declared by the CDC as the number one health concern in America, may just be the number one reason that both men and women so often collude.  Especially if one of the ACE's in an individual's profile was complicity with sexual abuse that occurred in the family of origin, regardless of whether the person now complicit as an adult was a past victim, bystander, or a perpetrator. Until these common family-of-origin issues held by people lining the pews of every congregation in America (and more so, some studies suggest, with individuals going into care-giving professions like clerics)....until these common issues have been carefully sorted out, I believe the institutional church will remain one of the most dangerous places for victims to speak truth to either power or to those sharing the same pews.

Even if abuse was not the trauma. Let's say there were other traumas, like a parent being incarcerated or mentally ill. How many children blame themselves for these traumas?  And how many men are shamed because they are either not "tough enough" or too tenderhearted?  If men have not resolved past trauma, if they've learned to minimize an overwhelming tragedy, or if they are unable to see themselves as vulnerable, how on earth would we expect them to empathize with a victim!

For the transference of individuals locked in self-blame from immense childhood trauma will inevitably be intense, clouding the ability to squarely put the responsibility and the consequences directly with the perpetrator in the current situation.

We know this is often the case with mothers who are incest victims. Though some may be quite overprotective, others are more prone to collude because of their unresolved abuse as children. It's simply too painful to face either. So, why would it be otherwise with other adults?

Could it be that professional ministers need to be led through a course to resolve their childhood trauma before entering the ministry or through seminary training? This is one point I cover in Enlarging Boston's Spotlight.

The primary question for leaders to reflect on: What would I or the person before me have to face from the past before choosing to believe and to support the child or the adult who is now speaking out?

Now, I'm daring to suggest that a part of our consciousness-raising, in groups, workshops, professional training, or even among friends, might be having open discussions about our ACE scores. In churches, of all places! Perhaps we should be handing out The ACE Quiz so congregants could take this simple test as a part of Sunday service, following up by providing options to explore the results the following week?

Wild idea, you say!  Then, what would you suggest?  If this is what it takes to prevent standing ovations for sexual offenders, I'd say it's worth a try.

*********

Dee Ann Miller is the author of three books on collusion with abuse and violence in the faith community.  Her latest, published in May, 2017, includes some of the amazing outcomes and her connections with the Spotlight movie.  Enlarging Boston's Spotlight: A Call for Courage, Integrity, and Institutional Transformation

Much more on her work and contact info can be found at takecourage.org

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Open Letter: To All the Laity of Adat Shalom Church (a Southern Baptist congregation in Dallas)

  “Any story sounds true until someone tells the other side and sets the record straight.” (Proverbs 18: 17) For the past three months, I’ve become increasingly aware that my soul cannot rest until I’ve completed this personal message to those who occupy the pews of your congregation. My intent is to set the record straight, going far beyond the parts of your church story which you may have heard already—either from online reports, the lengthy letter from your pastor a few weeks ago, or from hearsay. This letter will serve to tell “the rest of the story,” as Paul Harvey often declared on the radio for many years. Though I’ve never met any of you personally, I've come across hundreds of churches in similar situations as yours is right now . My name is known in certain Southern Baptist circles and far beyond due to the work I’ve done for over thirty years upon discovering the complex issues of collusion with abuse in the faith community -- a widespread, systemic problem I first
Read more

Sorrow for Survivors Runs Deeper than the Surface Issues of Southern Baptists

 Thirty-five years ago, the scene in our living room was like a private funeral for our family of four. Not a soul was there to hear us wail, as we leaned on one another for support. Not only had our children lost their sense of identity and their adopted homeland of Malawi, where we'd worked for more than a decade from preparing to go, being appointed by the Foreign Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention, and serving there, bonded with beloved nationals and our Mission Family, with these ties stronger than any we'd ever known on earth. Until 1986, we'd felt a part of the Family. Yet, soon we began to feel more and more like the enemy because Ron and I stood together after stating our grave concerns, as anyone should whenever a group is faced with a sexual predator that had, so far, only had his hand slapped before sending him home for a full medical evaluation. It was as if everyone was buying into Gene Kingsley's "memory problem," thinking surely h
Read more

SBC Survivors Retreat “Rising to Walk”

Image
WELCOME to the RETREAT PAGE for Female  Survivors of  Sexual &Spiritual Violence   perpetrated  by so-called "Men of God"   This gathering  near Lawrence, KS, will be  October 14-16, 2022  Led by  the oldest SBC survivors' advocate, author  Dee Ann Miller.  Who the heck is she, you may be asking, as you look at the laughing woman in the photo above? After all, who could possibly be laughing when faced with such a serious topic as sexual violence? Yes, you heard me right. I did say "violence," not "abuse" because I've always insisted that the violation of a soul by sexual means needs to be called "violence". To me, abuse is a minimizing word that I don't ever like to use in these cases.  Of course, there's nothing funny at all about violence. I do prefer to laugh at a lot of the nonsensical thinking and self-incriminating action, though. Same as I do when there's an occasional victory over nonsense, which is exactly why I w
Read more